Student helps best friend's family with Thanksgiving prep, is unexpectedly confronted by her friend’s mom for not contributing to groceries for the "potluck-style" meal, despite never being asked to cover costs: 'Her behavior felt really inhospitable'

Author image for Emma Saven
Emma Saven
Dec 4, 2025 5:00 PM EST

If you've had the same tradition for a few years, and elements change, it's important to be prepared for those changes to avoid any 'awkwardness' or confrontation. This grad student has been helping her bestie's family prep their Thanksgiving dinner for the last few years. Normally, taking responsibility for cooking a dish or two helps with prep time and efficiency. A pretty kind and generous gesture…or so she'd say!

But this year things just felt different, until she realized that her friend's parents had expected her to cover the costs of those dishes, unlike previous years. She felt uncomfortable for being left out of the "potluck" loop, but thought that her $40 fancy chocolate box should compensate for the guilt of not contributing towards groceries…So she let it go…until her friend's mother made a direct point to aggressively address the issue with her… Making her friend's home the last place she wanted to spend Thanksgiving…because it now represented anything but 'Thanks.'

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  • We can definitely understand the parents' frustration with feeling the need to constantly provide for another independent adult, because after all, she is a grad student now! But there is a way to go about things, and cornering and chastising your daughter's friend over a charcuterie board and a side salad is certainly not it!

  • 01
    Angry middle-aged woman
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    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02

    AITA for not paying for Thanksgiving groceries as a guest?

    I (23f) was invited by my best friend (25f) of a decade to spend Thanksgiving at her house.
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  • 03
    For context, we are both recent college graduates and she is working minimum wage jobs to save for grad school while I am in grad school but have tons of educational loans and no income.
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  • 04
    So, I cannot easily afford unexpected expenses. I have been to her house for thanksgiving many times in the past and I often help her family with the shopping or cooking since Thanksgiving prep can be hectic.
    via Emotional_Sound_5658
  • 05
    Last year, my friend and I offered to make the charcuterie board and salad for her parents so they could focus on the Turkey, side dishes, and dessert.
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  • 06
    Her parents paid for all the groceries and my friend and I helped shop/cook/clean. They complimented the salad and charcuterie board and thanked us for making them.
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  • 07
    On multiple other occasions when I visited, I would help them with errands like getting groceries and even cooking meals, which they would pay for.
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  • 08
    This year, we did the same thing and told them we would help with the charcuterie board/salad, but after Thanksgiving, her mom got really angry and went and told my friend that she assumed I was going to pay for the charcuterie board/salad and she was surprised that I didn't pay.
    via Emotional_Sound_5658
  • 09
    My friend relayed the information to me. I was shocked and caught off guard but asked my friend what to do and whether we should pay but she said it was fine, but in the future we should only shop for the dishes her parents were cooking and nothing. else.
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  • 10
    Friends cooking dinner together
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    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 11
    I was okay with that, but then while my friend was sleeping, her mom cornered me in the house and started to chastise me about not paying for the groceries and kept saying that I was not a kid anymore and should now contribute to the Thanksgiving potluck.
    via Emotional_Sound_5658
  • 12
    I was unaware that Thanksgiving was supposed to be a potluck, nobody told me that before.
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  • 13
    I just noticed that when my friend's aunt/uncle/cousin visited they would bring one dish. I thought that was like a hostess gift, which I already had brought (a $40 box of fancy chocolate).
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  • 14
    I thought I was a guest and was helping them shop/cook something that their daughter had okayed buying on their card and they had okayed last year.
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  • 15
    It was so awkward and I tried to pay her mom back, but she wouldn't accept the money, but she also wouldn't stop chastising me.
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  • 16
    Her behavior felt really rude and inhospitable. I feel very hurt that she called me out like that while my friend was sleeping and then later again while my friend was present.
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  • 17
    Two female friends arguing outside
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    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 18
    Nobody in her family said that they expected us to pay for the appetizer/salad this year..
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  • 19
    if they had done that, I would not have brought them such an expensive gift of chocolates.
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  • 20
    I feel so uncomfortable going back to their house especially for thanksgiving, because in my culture what her mom did is the rudest thing ever.
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  • 21
    If she had a problem, she should have talked to her own daughter who ultimately was the person swiping her card for the groceries we bought.
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  • 22
    AITA or my friend's mom? Edit: My friend and I spoke and she apologized for her mom's behavior and I apologized for not offering to contribute.
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  • 23
    TravelBeauty20 INFO I'm very confused about how you saw everyone else bring a dish and assume it was a hostess gift. Can you walk me through that thought process? Were the dishes not obviously for thanksgiving? If anything, I think you should've gleaned that this hostess appreciates something for the crowd to share. You could've bought and made a dish for less than the $40 you spent on those chocolates. Now you know.
    via TravelBeauty20
  • 24
    OP Emotional_Sound_5658 When my family does potlucks, we expect guests to bring similar amount of food as us. If we have an event where we make almost everything and a guest just decides to bring something, that wouldn't be a potluck but rather us just hosting and the guest being polite. Basically a potluck is planned, communicated, and equal.
    via Emotional_Sound_5658
  • 25
    Savings Telephone_96 Soft YTA. Based on prior experience, I can see how you might assume they'd pay, but those prior experiences happened when you were in college. Now you've graduated. You're not a child anymore. I would never have assumed someone would keep paying for me to bring something to Thanksgiving.
    via Savings_Telephone_96
  • 26
    OP Emotional_Sound_5658 I was in my first year of grad school last year when they payed
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  • 27
    Even Tea4874 NTA. How awful of her mother to treat you like that. She was a rude b*h and if I were you, I would never return to her house for any reason. Plus I would let my family and friends know what she did.
    via Even_Tea4874

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groceries guests thanksgiving contribution friends host
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